EmPtA pOmPtA

The Wiggling Wisdom, She Who Stomps On Stars, God’s Hernia

Chaos and Prunditude given form by the dream of a Fool...

EmPtA pOmPtA is a being of unknown origin and unknown purpose. She exists hidden within the stickiest folds of the universe as a 600-foot-tall elephantine being with a 1,000-foot “wingspan”. Her single giant, red eye stares straight ahead through time and space, blinking in time with the deaths of stars. She also lives in the body of the unwitting 85-year-old Brufelda Squagmosa of Spring City, Utah, married to JohnMatthew Porkfellow.

Although EmPtA pOmPtA is married on earth to a human male, she has been producing children for the past 8,000 years without any assistance. She has seven daughters, all named Margaret, and one Unwanted Son, who was produced accidentally when she stepped on a white dwarf, crushing it. Unlike their mother, the daughters are able to directly influence humans on Earth and elsewhere, and are worshipped as deities by many. Their power is nothing compared to the G-rated abilities of EmPtA pOmPtA, however.

EmPtA pOmPtA created the secret language all grandmothers speak when they’re alone.

In the sticky folds of the universe, EmPtA pOmPtA is endlessly courted by another being of great power, Opra Poapra. When grandmothers die, Opra Poapra transforms them into Proapters, pitiful beings designed in an attempt to recreate the form of EmPtA pOmPtA as a display of affection. The Proapters are supposed to do EmPtA pOmPtA’s bidding, but her desires are unknown even to them, so they mostly float miserably through space, occasionally getting sucked into black holes.